Confession of a Sinner

Dear My Dearest Friend,

How are you? I am greeting you a pleasant evening...

Why am I being too formal here? Maybe because I want to come clean. Yes, I made a crime.

Dee, I just realized right now how much I had taken you for granted. I left you in the dark. Though, I have valid reasons as to why, it was still unfair.

Forgive me!

It's just that... K was there--along with her family. You were there too, but the thing was my body, heart and soul longed for someone's presence, not just emotionally but also physically, as much as I want to cling on them spiritually. Tita E and Tito A didn't let me drift. They hold on to me dearly like their own child. They let me stay regardless of the reasons, no questions asked. Even K's siblings were all kind enough to have me occupied.

Oh no! Please, I'm not saying/writing all these things to make you feel bad about yourself, even let you down. You were there. I was just too selfish to admit I need you as well. You have your own problems too and I do not wish to burden you with another.

Telling all of this to you... confessing wasn't easy. Always wasn't easy!

What I had gotten myself into was humiliating. Many conservatives would raise a brow and scrutinize my decisions, my character, my moral, and even my family-- as to how I was raised.

It was my Sweetest MISTAKE. He was my sweetest downfall.

What am I even saying?

I was... I had been an un-literal MISTRESS!

Still a Mistress under society's delightful judgement.

The shameful story involved three people... three consenting adults, myself and... and a little angel.

Shall I tell the story?

Raymond had been courting me since we moved to Cavite. However, when I started working here in Manila, he drifted. I let him be. Thus, I met another man-- P. Of course, you know about him. Anyway, his was a different story. Fast forward, he broke my heart-- like many other men who came across my life. You know what's next. I quit my job, not only because I'm not happily satisfied-- as you guys were informed, but also because of P. I want to hide. I want to ran away from the pain. So, I went back home.

Raymond was immediately back in his game, but I ignored him. He constantly reminds me of P-- the guy who promised me so many things but failed to accomplish even a single one. Mutual Understanding it may only had been, still he cheated on me... on our promise.

Nevertheless, I didn't despise Raymond. I actually admire his perseverance and persistence. Many other Homo Sapiens out on the sea of fish would have given up on me and chase someone else. I thought he is different.

I was wrong.

I felt betrayed once more. I learned about the scandal he had been involved with, together with Roxanne-- wife of Raymart, Raymond's co-worker. Raymart caught them doing the deed one dawn.

I do not know why but I was so mad then. For Raymart? For their little Angel, whom Raymart was holding when he caught them? I never would have known...

Then one night during an event in our compound, Raymond asked me again to be his girl. He didn't know I knew about his immoral deed. He didn't know I learned to despise his gut. I rejected him accompanied with humiliation in front of sea of faces. I know, I'm a bitch. The poor guy cried. I was heartless that night. I didn't even know why I'm acting crazy that night, but when Raymart started flirting with me, I ignored the moral rationale my conscience's keep on nagging to my senseless brain. I, your friend, committed the same immoral mistake I learned to despise on Raymond.

Come morning, I conversed with myself. Am I doing the right thing? My poor rationale agreed with me. It was grudge. I want to avenge Raymart who had stayed silent despite the many stares and gossips. Even so, I acted as if I'm an innocent saint. I ignored their judging eyes and mouths.

Little did I know it was more than un-personal vendetta...

I fall. It was too fast that I went blind. Again, I ignored the moral values I learned from school, church and from home. I became a sinner... I fell in love with a man who's committed to someone else.

A year before that incidental mistake, another man who is committed to someone else professed his love for me. I managed to decline him, though my heart flutters each time our eyes met. Of course, I have to do the right thing. They have a son. I came from a broken family, thus I do not want to hurt a little angel. I thought I am a mature individual. I was wrong.

History tend to repeat itself.

And it did. I was thrown in the same situation once again. I chose selfishness. All throughout the relationship, Raymart didn't utter a thing. He just promise one single thing... he won't hurt me. I believed that word. I never expected he was capable of revenge since he remained silent all throughout the Raymond-Roxanne intrigue.

Again and again... I was wrong. Why? He USED me. He used me to avenge himself. He knew Raymond would be hurt if he sees me with the man he betrayed. He knew too well Roxanne would beg to have him back when she saw me happy with him. And I unknowingly allowed myself be used...

It was painful. Then, I realized how immature I had acted. How immoral I had become. How it would be more painful for the little angel.

I let go. We both agreed to end the relationship which started out so wrong.

You see, that's why it's so hard for me to open up to many people, even to my best friend.

I am a sinner, yet I am afraid to be judge. So, forgive me if it had taken so long for my confession. I love you my dear friend, and I hope you understand.

With so much love,

Me

Para sa iyo

Para sa iyo,

                Hindi turol ng aking isip kung bakit ko nga ba ito ginagawa. Bakit ko nga ba hawak ngayon ang isang pudpod na lapis at nagsusulat sa lumang notebook na saksi ng aking mga kasawian at pakikibaka sa buhay nitong mga nagdaang taon? Pwede ko naman isigaw na lamang ang mga katagang nais kong sabihin at tiyak na maririnig mo, sapagkat alam kong sa tuwina’y palagi kang nakamasid.

                Ako’y nasa huling pahina nang aking taalarawan kaya marahil ang ginagawa kong ito’y sa kadahilanang nais kong maging bahagi ka rin ng mga pangyayaring naganap sa aking buhay kahit sa pamamagitan lamang ng liham na ito.

                Gusto ko lamang naman ipaalam sa iyo ang mga katagang sana’y nasabi ko sa iyo ng personal. Mga bagay na sana’y nagawa ko sa iyong pisikal na katauhan.

                Noon, naiingit ako sa mga kapitbahay nating bata dahil sa tuwing aabutin kami ng takip-silim sa labas dala ng pagkawili sa paglalaro’y kaagad silang sinusundo ng mga magulang nila upang kagalitan. Samantalang ni isa ay walang sumusundo sa akin o dili kaya’y nagagalit, ngunit kailanman ay hindi ako nagdamdam. Sapagkat sa murang isip ko’y pilit kong inintindi ang sitwasyon.

                Lumipas pa ang maraming taon. Nagsimula kong kwestyonin ang aking katauhan. Nasaan na ba ang papa ko? Bakit wala siya sa tabi ko? Bakit wala silang picture ng mama ko? Bakit wala kaming picture na dalawa? Bakit hindi namin siya kasama? Bakit sa pag-akyat sa entablado tuwing tatanggap ako ng parangal ay hindi kasama ni mama si papa? Ilang mga katanungan paulit-ulit na umuukilkil sa aking utak.

                Nanatili akong mapagmasid. Atubili akong magtanong dahil kinatatakutan ko ang magiging kasagutan. Hanggang unti-unti kong natanto ang dahilan mula sa paaralan. Hiwalay na pala kayo ni mama. Ngunit bakit ni minsan man lang ay hindi mo kami dinalaw? Nasasabik lamang naman akong yakapin ka’t mahagkan. Gusto ko lamang naman madama ang iyong pagmamahal.

                Umasam akong darating din ang araw na iyon. Na makikita rin kita’t makikilala sa personal. Na ikaw pa rin ang maghahatid sa akin sa altar oras na dumating ang takdang panahon. Subalit, hanggang pangarap na lamang pala ang mga bagay na iyon…

                Pasko noon… sa gulat ko’y nag-aya si mamang dalawin ang lola—ang iyong ina—sa tahanan ng mga ito. Nasiyahan ako. Sa wakas. Ito na ang hinihintay kong katuparan ng aking mga mithiin kasama ka. Dumagdag pa roon ang kaalamang makikilala ko na rin ang aking lola. Subalit, lahat ng kasiyahang nadarama ko sa kaibuturan ng aking puso’y nagkagulanit sa balitang hatid ng lola.

                Wala ka na pala papa…

                Napakasaklap… bakit hindi mo man lamang ako hinintay na makilala? Hindi mo ba nais mayakap ng mga mumunti kong bisig? Hindi mo ba nasang madampian ng isang mapagmahal na halik sa iyong pisnge? Hindi ka man lang nagpaalam papa…

                Ano pa nga ba ang magagawa ko kung hindi tumangis…

                “Dalawang taon na pala ang nakararaan simula ng ika’y pumanaw, ni hindi ka man lang nagparamdam!” iyon ang sambot ko minsang nagtungo ako sa simbahan. Pag-uwi ko ng hapong iyon ay bumuhas bigla ang pagkalakas na ulan. Basang-basa ako sa gilid ng daan habang naghihintay ng masasakyan. Kinagabihan ay pagkataas ng aking lagnat. Mag-isa lamang ako noon sa bahay. Sobrang ginaw, ni hindi ko man lang magawang bumangon upang isara ang bentilador. Hanggang sa igupo ako ng antok. Sa pagbalik ng aking malay ay komportable na ang aking pakiramdam. Patay na rin ang bentilador. Subalit mag-isa lamang ako sa kwarto. Nang tanungin ko si mama nang pumasok siya’y kadarating lamang di umano niya. Nabuo sa aking isip ang imahe mo mula sa larawang inilahad ni lola sa aking palad bago kami umalis noon sa kanilang munting tahanan. Alam ko, ikaw yun papa.

                Binabantayan mo ako hindi ba?

                Patunay noon ang paghingi ko sa iyo ng senyales ilang buwan na ang nakakaraan. Akala ko’y tuluyan na akong maliligaw sa maling landas. Subalit, sinagip mo ako. Nakita ko ang senyales na hiningi ko noon sa iyo. Nakakatawa nga dahil mukha akong baliw noon na sumisigaw sa kalangitan.

                Nababasa mo ba papa? Mahal kita papa. Hindi man kita nakilala. Hindi man kita nakasama. Mananatili ang mukha mo mula sa larawang bigay ni lola sa aking balintataw… sa aking puso. Kahit hindi mo ako pisikal na maihatid sa altar ay hindi ako magtatampo, dahil alam kong nakamasid ka sa aking bawat hakbang.

                Napalitan ka man ni mama sa kaniyang puso, mananatiling ikaw ang aking mahal na papa. Para sa iyo ang mga tagumpay na nakamit ko sa aking karera sa buhay. Alay ko sa iyo ang lahat ng pangarap na iyon.

                Sana papa masaya ka riyan. Huwag kang mag-alala babantayan ko si mama. Aalagaan ko ang kapatid ko. Kaya ngiti ka lang diyan, kahit konti lang.

                Maraming salamat papa.

Nagmamahal,

Marichu

Ito ay Lahok sa Saranggola Blog Awards 5

http://www.saranggolablogawards.com/

http://www.dmcihomes.com/

MAHAL KITA

Tawirin marupok na tulay

Hawakan mo ang aking kamay

Kailangan ko ng iyong gabay

Sa pag-iisa, ako’y ‘di sanay

O aking ina,

Liwanag mo ang aking tanglaw

Dito sa aking mundong kay panglaw

Ngunit, bakit nanatiling uhaw?

Oo, tama!

Sa puso’y may kimkim na hinanakit

Bakit si ama iyong pinagpalit?

Bakit sa kaniya pang malupit?

Ako’y naging mapagtiis

Ngunit unti-unti’y naputol ang bigkis

Nilisan ang imperyong tumatangis

Baon sa ala-ala mukha mong hapis

Lumipas maraming taon ng paghihimagsik

Sa kandungan ng liwanag nais bumalik

Baon ang pagsisi, ‘di na magpapatumpik-tumpik

Paglaya, sa puso pagmamahal muling nanumbalik

O aking ina,

Ano mang pagsubok ang danasin ko

Nanaisin ko pa rin bumalik sa piling mo

Mahal kita mama…

Ito ay lahok sa Saranggola Blog Awards 5

http://www.saranggolablogawards.com/

http://www.dmcihomes.com/

Untitled

I disguise the fear with a smile
The tears were muffled with laughter
I'm trap in a valley full of sins
Where sorrow has no name


Signed, (xoxo)
 
"Lahat ng bilihin nagmamahalan na...tayong dalawa nalang ang hindi..."

Shhh! This is a Secret no one has to know...

NANUNUYOT ang lalamunan niya ng idilat niya ang kanyang mga mata. ‘Sa lahat ng maaring mapanaginipan ay ang mga tagpong iyon pa ang nation!’

                It is sheer dumb luck na nakaligtas siya that rainy night na ikinadawit ni Vesta sa gulong kinasasangkutan niya’t dulot ng dalawang taong ‘di niya akalaing magagawa iyon sa kanilang mag-ina.

                Ipinilig niya ang ulo’t dumiretso ng kusina upang pawiin ang uhaw na nadarama niya. Pabalik na siya sa tinutuluyang kwarto ng may matipunong brasong pumulupot sa beywang niya.

                “I thought I would never see you again,” he murmured in her ear. She gasped when his hold tightened almost crushing her out of breath.

                She can feel his warm muscular chest pressing on her back. ‘What shall I do? I’d been careless…’ She shivered in her helpless position.

                Sa likod ng dilim na bumabalot sa kusina alam niyang aninag nito ang kasalukuyan niyang itsura. Her messy mouse brown curly hair was hanging loosely down to her waist. She isn't even wearing her thick black rimmed glasses neither her prosthetic big teeth to complete her disguise. He had seen her face—the real her… the beautiful one and not the old fashioned maid he knows.

                “Don’t leave me again,” he whispered in agony and his painful almost acidic voice made her hate herself even more. His lips brushed with her skin charging electrical currents up and down her spine. Behind his teasing scent is the mixed smell of cigar and brandy in his breath.

                She wiggled out of his hold putting up her best effort to forget how much she missed this snugly man. But despite her full strength she has no match with his despite his drunken state.

                Pinihit siya nito paharap. He leaned forward, his forehead touching hers, “Do you know how much I missed you?” Hindi pa  rin siya makapagsalita. Her brain’s in verge of hysteria. He could not have seen her in that state if she was careful and not acted so carelessly, and she hated her self for that.

                “Do you—you don’t miss me, do you?” muli’y tanong nito habang unti-unti ay lumiliit ang distansya sa kanilang mga labi.

                She misses him, of course. Not the Devil she loathed—she misses the rocker boy she used to adore up stage, singing for her. But she refuses to admit that thought… that emotion. She doesn't have the right after leaving him in a miserable state not so long ago. It almost cost him his career—all because of her. ‘Hell, I miss you so much,’ she wanted to blurt out but had no courage to do so.

                “I-I do not w-wish to be here. Le-let go of me!” instead she stuttered through gritted teeth. But instead of letting her go, he silenced her protest with a kiss.

                She struggled with all the strength she can muster with no success. He continued to kiss her… crushing his lips with her dry lips as if through that he can punish her, until she no longer struggled out his hold. With her body relaxing, he deepens the kiss making her moan with pleasure.

                She let her defenses down, allowing herself to be free with the rocker boy once more just like before…

Six months ago, in a bar in Makati

HINAYAAN niya ang sariling sumayaw sa saliw ng musikang tinutogtog ng popular na banda. It’s one of those night that she wants to freely breath without the suffocating scolds of her over protective mother.

                In between grinding her hips with the tune of the music ay napatingala siya’t hindi sinasadyang nagtama ang paningin nila ng bokalista. She gave him a big grin and a playful wink and in return he pointed at her with a smile.

                Nang matapos ang performance ay halos maubusan ng hininga na bumalik siya sa kinauupuan bago niya maisipang sumayaw.

                “Another shot of tequila,” she shouted at the bartender beating the load noise of the next performer up in stage.

                Inilapag nito sa kanyang harapan ang baso ng tequila at isang glass of bloody Mary, making her frown. “I didn't asked for that,” tukoy niya sa Bloody Mary. Maang na itinulak niya palayo sa kanya ang baso when a hand suddenly appeared grabbing the glass of liquor.

                “I do order that,” a husky voice whispered in her ear sending shivers to her damp—from sweat, skin. His lips curved into a smile when she looked up the stranger. He's the vocalist she had an exchanged of body language with.

                She’s maybe tipsy but she can perfectly read between the lines. “Oh, thank you!” she winked, flirting back.

                What happened next was blurry fuzz in her brain. All that she knew is he had his arms at his waist and his tongue down to her throat. Clothes were dropping on the floor. A brief chilly coldness hugged her nakedness but was immediately replaced with fiery heat when his hands caress her bare skin. She tightly griped his hair as their dance rhythmically reaches the bridge of the song…

LALO nitong hinigpitan ang hawak sa kaniyang baywang. And there’s no point of turning back. Gumapanng ang kaniyang kamay paakyat sa batok nito. He moaned when she grabs a few stands of his hair, twisting it in raging passion as his tongue deepened the kiss—trailing every corner of her hot mouth. Instead of fighting it, she returned every kiss, equally sucking their air… matching their every move, synchronizing their tongues together.

                Hindi niya alam kung gaano sila katagal sa ganoong posisyon, namalayan na lamang niya na tila lumulutang siya sa kawalan. He had her thighs wrap around his waist habang naglalakad patungo sa kwarto nito. Patuloy pa rin ang halikan nila habang abala ang mga palad nito sa pagdama sa iba’t ibang parte ng kaniyang katawan. Bawat dapyo noon ay umuusok, tila ba matutupok sila sa isang apoy.

                She misses him. She misses him so much her heart is aching. Aching from all the secret and lies she has to feed him.

                Naramdaman niya ang paglapat ng malambot na kama sa kaniyang likod. He’s on top of her, in between her parted thighs. That's when she realized he no longer had his clothes on, giving her a full view of his proud treasure.

                “M-martin…” she gasped, unti-unting gumapang ang palad nito papasok sa suot niyang manipis na sando. “Ohhh…” she heard her own sweet moan when his hot skin made contact with her breast. She writhes under him when he started fondling her nipples. More sweaty moans escaped her lips, making the man on top of her smirked, satisfied with his self.

                “Oh God!” Martin lowered his head, grazing his hot tongue around her now hard bead. She was out of breath, lost in the ecstasy of intimacy.

                Lalo niyang nadama ang pagkawala ng katinuan niya ng ang nanunukso nitong munting dila ay gumapang pababa sa kaniyang puson. He stayed there a little longer making her arch her back with every ticklish feeling and as the sensation boils her blood she screamed for more.

                “Hmmm… ohhhhhh… P-please Martin…” nagbingi-bingihan ang binata, nagpatuloy ang pagbaba nito…

                She felt the hot kisses trailing her pearl, from her spot to her two wet folds. Para itong maninisisid na nakikipaglaban sa tide currents makuha lamang ang inaasam na kayaman sa ilalim ng karagatan. His speed increases, using his expert tongue and fingers to give her pleasure, stroking her spot like there’s no tomorrow. The muscles of her vaginal walls were contracting. Soon enough, she cried in ecstasy when her insides exploded.

                When her muscles finally relaxes ay naramdaman niya ang pag-angat ng katawan ng binata, staring at her fondly. “I love you…” he murmured, ruffling her hair. And their lips met once again, as he parted her thighs placing his treasure in her cave.

                They looked into each others eyes as he thrust insides, holding her gaze as if to say, "You're only mine and mine alone". Lalo niyang hinigpitan ang kapit dito. When she was finally familiar with the rhythm, as sumabay siya sa galaw nito. She meets every thrust, grinding her hips with him. "Oh my God! Ma-martin... I'm... I'm... I'm comm-comming..." 

                They both felt the building tension at the same time, their muscles contracted uncontrollably, ibinaon niya ang mukha sa leeg nito, biting him as they both reached their destination.

                Martin uttered “I love you!” to her ears once again with a pant.  She caressed his cheeks lovingly, memorizing every detail, lines, and marks. Ayaw na niyang matapos ang sandaling iyon subalit alam niya, ano mang oras ay kailangan niya ng lisanin ang kwarto na iyon. Living her heart once again to it’s owner.

She felt the sudden wave of exhaustion draining her, willing her eyes closed. Soon enough they both drifted off to dreamland.

---------------------------------------------

And there it goes...