October 15, 2013

Confession of a Sinner

Dear My Dearest Friend,
How are you? I am greeting you a pleasant evening...
Why am I being too formal here? Maybe because I want to come clean. Yes, I made a crime.
Dee, I just realized right now how much I had taken you for granted. I left you in the dark. Though, I have valid reasons as to why, it was still unfair.
Forgive me!
It's just that... K was there--along with her family. You were there too, but the thing was my body, heart and soul longed for someone's presence, not just emotionally but also physically, as much as I want to cling on them spiritually. Tita E and Tito A didn't let me drift. They hold on to me dearly like their own child. They let me stay regardless of the reasons, no questions asked. Even K's siblings were all kind enough to have me occupied.
Oh no! Please, I'm not saying/writing all these things to make you feel bad about yourself, even let you down. You were there. I was just too selfish to admit I need you as well. You have your own problems too and I do not wish to burden you with another.
Telling all of this to you... confessing wasn't easy. Always wasn't easy!
What I had gotten myself into was humiliating. Many conservatives would raise a brow and scrutinize my decisions, my character, my moral, and even my family-- as to how I was raised.
It was my Sweetest MISTAKE. He was my sweetest downfall.
What am I even saying?
I was... I had been an un-literal MISTRESS!
Still a Mistress under society's delightful judgement.
The shameful story involved three people... three consenting adults, myself and... and a little angel.
Shall I tell the story?
Raymond had been courting me since we moved to Cavite. However, when I started working here in Manila, he drifted. I let him be. Thus, I met another man-- P. Of course, you know about him. Anyway, his was a different story. Fast forward, he broke my heart-- like many other men who came across my life. You know what's next. I quit my job, not only because I'm not happily satisfied-- as you guys were informed, but also because of P. I want to hide. I want to ran away from the pain. So, I went back home.
Raymond was immediately back in his game, but I ignored him. He constantly reminds me of P-- the guy who promised me so many things but failed to accomplish even a single one. Mutual Understanding it may only had been, still he cheated on me... on our promise.
Nevertheless, I didn't despise Raymond. I actually admire his perseverance and persistence. Many other Homo Sapiens out on the sea of fish would have given up on me and chase someone else. I thought he is different.
I was wrong.
I felt betrayed once more. I learned about the scandal he had been involved with, together with Roxanne-- wife of Raymart, Raymond's co-worker. Raymart caught them doing the deed one dawn.
I do not know why but I was so mad then. For Raymart? For their little Angel, whom Raymart was holding when he caught them? I never would have known...
Then one night during an event in our compound, Raymond asked me again to be his girl. He didn't know I knew about his immoral deed. He didn't know I learned to despise his gut. I rejected him accompanied with humiliation in front of sea of faces. I know, I'm a bitch. The poor guy cried. I was heartless that night. I didn't even know why I'm acting crazy that night, but when Raymart started flirting with me, I ignored the moral rationale my conscience's keep on nagging to my senseless brain. I, your friend, committed the same immoral mistake I learned to despise on Raymond.
Come morning, I conversed with myself. Am I doing the right thing? My poor rationale agreed with me. It was grudge. I want to avenge Raymart who had stayed silent despite the many stares and gossips. Even so, I acted as if I'm an innocent saint. I ignored their judging eyes and mouths.
Little did I know it was more than un-personal vendetta...
I fall. It was too fast that I went blind. Again, I ignored the moral values I learned from school, church and from home. I became a sinner... I fell in love with a man who's committed to someone else.
A year before that incidental mistake, another man who is committed to someone else professed his love for me. I managed to decline him, though my heart flutters each time our eyes met. Of course, I have to do the right thing. They have a son. I came from a broken family, thus I do not want to hurt a little angel. I thought I am a mature individual. I was wrong.
History tend to repeat itself.
And it did. I was thrown in the same situation once again. I chose selfishness. All throughout the relationship, Raymart didn't utter a thing. He just promise one single thing... he won't hurt me. I believed that word. I never expected he was capable of revenge since he remained silent all throughout the Raymond-Roxanne intrigue.
Again and again... I was wrong. Why? He USED me. He used me to avenge himself. He knew Raymond would be hurt if he sees me with the man he betrayed. He knew too well Roxanne would beg to have him back when she saw me happy with him. And I unknowingly allowed myself be used...
It was painful. Then, I realized how immature I had acted. How immoral I had become. How it would be more painful for the little angel.
I let go. We both agreed to end the relationship which started out so wrong.
You see, that's why it's so hard for me to open up to many people, even to my best friend.
I am a sinner, yet I am afraid to be judge. So, forgive me if it had taken so long for my confession. I love you my dear friend, and I hope you understand.

With so much love,


  1. I feel you. It was a gallant thing to do but a braver one to write. Indeed, letting go will free you up from pain. God bless you...

  2. This is a good way...to let go things and move....Life is good! and learn from it:)

  3. What a confession. I wouldn't say your alone on this one because I too had somewhat a similar experience. It sucks. I know.